Yeah.. that old post.. was pissing me off... gosh. Lex=dumb and mean. I= good and smart. =)

Go to the new xanga... if you want it... IM me... or ask at school.. adios friends.

-Ash

Yellow. Hmm. I am downloading music. Quite fun. I have 3 songs already... takes about 15 minutes for each, but oh well...better then kazaa. This is Ares. Vroom!

I made a new xanga to keep away from prying eyes, but I am making it all cool and ness. So... until it's ready I'll barely post on here.

In conclusion and goodbye I propose a Challenge to Lex. Here it is: You call me. I thought any form of contact would be fine, but I decided you have to call me. Call by January 5th, the day we're back at school.

Tonight I am going to a Christmas party for Fran's work at the Gaylord resort... I am all spiffy and dressed up. Wearing pants and a nice blouse though, not a dress as I had planned, but mom was complaining that I looked too grown up. Phhbt. Oh well.

Ciao, until the new xanga is up and running, I fare-the-well.

---~Ash~---

Blah. Last night I read though most of my old posts. I am one boring person.

I went to the library on Tuesday. I checked out nine books. I read them all by 10 this morning.

I am going back today. I ordered 3 books last time. I want them to come in. I wish to read them.

I'm in a sour sucky mood. Brooding. Sweetblood did that to me. She was all gothy vamp and at the end she gets her act together and isn't all blah and angsty.

Adios.

---~Ash~---

EDIT!!!

I went to Sonic for lunch. Yummy sonic.Went to Library. Checked out 7 more books. 2 are about vampires... lol. One is about a werewolf. KABLAM!

I am talking to Cheyenne. Weeoo.

Guess what you fine and dandy people of xanga land get? My shit. Damn that's right. You get to hear me rant and rave about all the things I hate in my life because I am a pessamistic person. Aren't you just glad you are reading this? Damn straight you are. Here it is.

I am lonely. Not alone, but lonely. I like being alone. I don't like being lonely. I have friends if you want to call them that, but I really only have myself. I know that many guys like me, but for some odd reason... they don't do anything about it. Are they intimidaded? If so, why? What are they afraid of? My rejection? I can't reject what I have no notion of. Another thing that pisses me off is people think I am better than them. What the hell? I am not better than anyone else. But people think I am. The teachers because I make good grades and turn inmy work, the guys who are too scared to talk because I couldn't ever like someone like them, and the girls who envy me because they themselves are not who I am. Am I prettier? No, I don't think so only because my dad told me I wasn't and that changed my opinion for life no matter how many people disagree I'll never believe them. Am I smarter? At some things, maybe. I am book-school smart, but that's really all. I don't study, I do my work and I have a semi-photographic memory that lets me remember the paragraphs in books. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, what one person likes is not what another might. Some people don't like my intelligence and that's fine, I don't like people with a certain low intelligence. No matter how nice Birdman is I cannot like him because he isn't smart, he may be dyslexic and it would drive me bonkers.

My next topic of discussion is Mr. Lexington. Grr, this boy angers me to no extent. Last night I dreamt that I was walking in the school and these two guys ran up and attacked me, tried to rape me, but ended up stabbing me and running. I was laying on the ground in front of the auditorium and a teacher came up and dialed 911. Lex was aroudn the corner and saw the guys run off. He hunted them down and attcked them in turn and all three of them ended up in the hospital with me. When I got out and was back in school I found Lex and kissed him. Then I woke up. Great dream huh? Blah. Even in my dreams he plagues me. It fricken sucks. I hate it. Why can't he just leave me alone and move on with his life? Not like I am all that important. I am nothing.

So postivie thoughts are these. And no, I don't think the world hates me and is out to get me. I just think that my life sucks because I made it that way and there is nothing I am doing to change it. Ciao, I'll stop depressing you with my depression.

---~Ash~---

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Bazooka to my Heart"

You have rendered me senseless.

I’ll lost inside all of this nothingness.

A big blob of everything compiled together.

A deep hole, a void of all you’ve tethered.

You’ve rendered me useless.

I’m all strung out and as loose as a goose.

You did everything I didn’t want to come true.

All my dreams came to naught, for it was something you had to do.

You took a bazooka to my heart

That’s what you did, you blasted me apart.

This one is ranking off the charts.

That’s what you did, you took a bazooka to my heart.

I am not who I used to be.

I was wild and living among the free.

Now I am chained and bound.

Locked and thrown away the key never to be found.

Here, I remain alone and unfound.

And I was content with you around.

Now it’s not like that, there’s no sound.

No light, just dark under this mound.

You took a bazooka to my heart

That’s what you did, you blasted me apart.

This one is ranking off the charts.

That’s what you did, you took a bazooka to my heart.

A gaping hole where the bullet went though.

Will you ever understand what you made me do?

Now things willingly come and go

Like this is one big freak show.

Vast emptiness and you no longer visit

No sound penetrates though the sound of crickets

I see you swimming around in love

With your head in the clouds above.

You took a bazooka to my heart

That’s what you did, you blasted me apart.

This one is ranking off the charts.

That’s what you did, you took a bazooka to my heart.

Blah. Today was going fine until I got on the computer this afternoon and went to Jana's xanga. I was fine. I was content. Maybe even happy. But no. Curisoity got the better of me and I went to Jana's site. I found pictures of a very beautiful Sarah and Emily and Jana. Together. The Three of them. The weird part was... Sarah used to hate Emily. Like seething putrid hate. It's fine that they are all friends, but it startled me and made me think. Who am I?

I used to feel like I belonged somewhere. I used to be someone. I used to know what I was going and who I was. Now... it's like a long forgotten dream. I know I wasn't technically "alive" I was breathing, but not living my life. Now... I don't want to live the life I have but there's nothing I can do about that. I don't belong anywhere. At least, not recently.

Alex has so many friends, it's weird that he even has time for me. I love him a lot, but it's weird. Doesn't seem like his friends want me around so much and I feel uncomfortable around them. With Tiffany and Chelcie and Chelsea.. it's weird because they were friends with Lex first and it's like they will be his friends more so than me. It feels like I am the outsider. With Allison, regardless if she's my best friend... we only act like best friends when in each others company. On the internet we don't talk much and we don't really talk on the phone. I only very rarely get to see her... on the weekends. She has her own life and I have mine. I know another life though hers and all those people who go to Paschal that I know who don't know me. Yet again, somewhere I don't belong. Amy and Caitlin.. with them it's a who I could have been. Preppy, happy, cheerleader Ashley that I was. There I just... so unbelievably do not belong what-so-ever.

My friends who I don't belong to. The social cliques I don't fit into. The people who I am not.

I pose the question again: Who am I? I am Ashley. The nobody. The loner. It's weird. With Lex... I had someone, I had him. I felt genuine and not how I feel now. But of course it was the most fake thing I have ever experienced. Is that how things go? When you feel things are the most real they are the most fake?

I mean, if Sarah and Emily and Jana can be friends... why can't I belong? Most people who assume that I don't care about anyone because I am cold and apathetic and a bitch, but really (I'll tell you a secret)... I want to be surrounded with people I love and who love me back. I want to be in a tight knit of friends. I want the closeness and warmth of a friend.

This makes me question: who have I been all along? Why did we hate Emily and Nicole so much? Because we weren't them. I didn't really hate either Emily or Nicole, but Allison and Sarah did. I thought it was just fun to go and play along with them. Emily was strange... I dunno. I never really talked to her or understood her. But I didn't really like Nicole. She was good as a distraction in Latin... good times, good times. It's weird. I was all "goth" last year, but now I'm mellow and ..hollow? More lonely really. Will I find someone to not be lonely with? I hope so, but for now... I'll have to trust in my imagination for that person who won't reveal themselves yet.

---~Ash~---